Empty Spaces
In my life I've lost quite a few people I've been close to. They've all passed on for various reasons, but it never seems to be less dramatic. Death is forever, unfortunately. I've experienced saying good-bye after school to then receiving that dreadful call telling me that he can really hear me say good-bye, but I'll never see him respond to it again. I've denied the possiblity of death when my aunt told us she had breast cancer. Then I missed my chance to say good-bye because I needed a little extra money, so I worked just one more night before going to see her. Most recently I saw the irony of burying my grandma the day another aunt discovered her reasons for short term memory loss and severe migrains. It just so happens that when diagnosed with a brain tumor you don't Really have that much time to live. Nine months: the gestation time for a child, an entire school year, and, the miracle of time we had with my aunt. Sadly the rain kept us away until just after she left us. (though, she wasn't really here for a month or so before that)
I tell these stories because I'm reminded of them as I sit in an empty house. No! Thank God nothing has happened to my roommate! She just moved out, that's all. It's just that as I sit feeling sorry for myself being alone, I can't help but feel guilty. Guilty because she deserves this. Guilty because I miss someone who is 4 hours away. Guilty because I can still call her or see her whenever I need to. Guilty, because my mom can't do the same to her sisters. Guilty because I always take too many things for granted.
posted by XOXO at 10:54 PM
3 Comments:
As a loner for life, I have a pretty different outlook on solitary arrangements. But that doesn't make your situation any more easy, and I understand this won't necessarily be an easy adjustment. And while you'll get used to it eventually, sometimes "eventually" doesn't come fast enough. In which case, have you considered getting a roommate? You wouldn't have to cancel your cable, among other things.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
As for taking things for granted... I'm beginning to think that's an unfortunate but inevitable aspect of human nature. There are so many people to spend time with. So many places to go. So many ways to make a living. We're pulled in a million different directions, and sometimes we're forced to choose one activity (or one person) over enother... not for all time, but for the time being. We can't be everywhere at once. We can't be with everyone at once.
The best we can do is strike a balance. And, especially considering the contents of this post, I'd say you've done a better job striking a balance than have most. You live near your family. You see your nephews regularly. Chat with your extended family far more often than I do. You do stuff with church, with youth in church, you're leaving the country to help people elsewhere.
Not to mention, if you worry you're taking things for granted, chances are you recognize the value in something countless people miss out on altogether.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Yea, I know I do quite a bit, but at times, it never really seems like enough. I spent the weekend seeing family. When asked why I went, even though I really didn't want to, all I could say was that I needed to. If I wouldn't have, I'd have the guilt of Mom driving by herself, the guilt of not seeing my grandpa, and others. Though while there, I build a stronger bond with others. It's a never ending vicious cycle.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
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